When I first discovered Asperger’s syndrome, I didn’t think it applied to me. A former employer randomly decided to give me a book that she said I may like. It was about a man’s struggle with Asperger’s. I wasn’t sure why she had given me the book, but I read it anyway. It was an odd feeling. It was like reading about someone that had similar emotional processes as me, yet different. I could clearly see that there were “off” things with the writer and didn’t want those associated with me. I disregarded the book and moved on. Then, years later, a very close friend of mine told me that his brother was autistic and he could see similar traits in us. I was a little insulted, but I took it in stride. Then, I found a very close friend( a brother at this point) who submerged me into his neurotypical lifestyle with his neurotypical circle of family and friends. It was at this point I started to become aware that I was different. I decided to revisit the possibility that I may have Asperger’s Syndrome. After countless weeks of research, I realized I was text book AS. For a very long time I went through what could be called a grieving process. It was like someone died. The life I thought I had was gone. I was venturing into a new world that I had been a part of all along. First came denial, then sadness, then paranoia, and finally, acceptance. Once I accepted the fact that I had Asperger’s, a new battle began. I had to stop thinking to myself that something is “wrong” with me and just see myself as different. Everyone is different so it’s not the end of the world. It’s a daily struggle, but it gets easier by the day.
I shared this post with a very close friend, and this was his response:
First, I must say, the term neurtypical kinda freaks me out. To me it implies that people without AS are somehow plain. I think all humans are very complex and that term to me diminishes that complexity. I think saying “people with AS” and “people without AS” covers it. In regards to living with a person with AS, I must say it’s been interesting. I know other people with AS, and they have some similarities to you. But because we live together and I see you everyday, I notice things that you do that are very different than other men in our age group. I’ve always known you were a bit different even before I met you (social media), but after we met that became even clearer. When you finally discovered you and AS I researched the symptoms and it was like they were describing you. The most notable things are differences in appearance/visibility, communication, routine, and anxiety (or even fixation and eagerness). In terms of appearance, I notice you really don’t care what you look like or what your things look like. People judge you on this, and you know that, yet your room and car stay filthy, and you only wear a few outfits. Your communication skills are interesting. You speak rapidly as if you are ashamed to be speaking, or just trying to rush the sentences out. And you never look me or anyone in the eyes. This is a form of communication non verbal) that shows respect, strength and masculinity. You seem open to doing new things and going to new places but when you actually meet new people and attend new events you shut down, don’t talk to anyone and want to leave early. And the anxiety and fixation is what gets me the most. You seem to fixate on things in a way that is almost child like. I joke and call you the “are we there yet kid” because for many things you act like the kid in the back seat asking are we there constantly instead of just patiently waiting to arrive. Even last night you knocked on my door THREE times (as I was trying to sleep). After I didn’t answer the first time most people would have given me a little space. All of these things make you who you are and that’s ok. I think you can work on them in order to socially fit in better, if that’s what you want. But even if you don’t that’s cool too. It was my understanding you wanted me to point these things out to help you be more “normal” (for lack of a better word). But everytime I do you get hurt emotionally and it is not my intention to hurt you man. So from now on I’ll just observe and let you do your thing without commentary. And I’ll continue to help with this blog. Hopefully it becomes a great outlet for you mentally and emotionally. Keep being you James! God made you exactly how you are for a reason!
blaspergers 