blaspergers

Infinite Sadness

It took a lot of research to learn that people on the spectrum suffer from bouts with severe depression. At times it can make you wonder why you’re here. That’s a question I ask myself all of the time. Why am I here? I feel like I’m always making mistakes and doing things wrong therefore getting on peoples nerves. I’m not as successful as I’d like to be in any way. I don’t have the body I want. I’m single. Every man I’ve ever had romantic feelings for never reciprocated it. I’m lonely, and the AS is likely to ensure I stay that way.

All of that being said, why would I want to be here? For me the answer is that I do like waking up everyday hoping things get better. I cherish the moments of laughter with friends. I like seeing new things and having new mini adventures, even if they are just inside of my head. I like waking up(most days). While I often feel that no one wants me here and there’s no real reason for me to be here, I still wake up everyday finding something to hold onto.

Upon receiving a professional diagnosis for being on the Autism Spectrum, I felt strange. On one hand, there was a peace to finally getting an actual diagnosis. I even got medication that I didn’t know I needed. So I felt a bit validated for doing weird things that I do or things that annoy people. Then, I felt a sadness. Almost like a helplessness in knowing that I have an affliction that I cannot change.  So while some of the weirdness now has a reason…things that I’d been working on changing apparently cannot be changed. It made me feel like not really a person, but someone with limitations set on me from birth.

As time has gone by, I’ve learned to accept it. It has made things make sense to me though. The Autism spectrum can make you not understand how others perceive you. After getting my diagnosis, I suddenly felt aware that people perceive me as weird because I am. I am weird to neurotypicals, but I just wish they understood it wasn’t on purpose.

People on the Autism spectrum have a lot to offer. Our resources just have to be tapped into. Also, people on the spectrum have to embrace the positives. I love my hyper focus. I love being able to hear noises from great distances(except I never really hear voices which is weird). I love that I can see plot points coming a mile away in movies. I love that I love sensory stimulation. I love the ability to be able to deconstruct things. There’s a lot to love about me. However, at the end of the day, I understand that people see me as a weirdo.

Many people on the autism spectrum simply aren’t independent functioning human beings. Many of them can’t even speak. We call them the non-verbals. A lot of us can’t even drive, find employment, or our own housing. Aspies are a bit different. We are higher functioning and can achieve a higher level of independence, but that doesn’t mean we are fully independent. I have lived alone, I currently don’t. The place I lived in alone wasn’t very clean. I could keep the place, but I was never fully able to maintain it to “normal” standards. I can drive, just not that well. I prefer to stay in one lane, although I’m growing out of that since I have a nightmarish commute to work. I’ve always been able to find work. However, most of the work I’ve been able to find has generally been underpaying. I’ve also very rarely gotten a job on my own. I’ve usually had a connection.

The downside, I’ve noticed, of autism is that we are an extremely vulnerable people. We can’t really tell when people are lying to us, therefore we tend to take everything at face value. This makes us highly vulnerable to manipulation. Unless I know that what you’re saying is factually untrue, I’ll generally just believe it. This leaves me constantly confused as to people’s motives. I never know what to make of things people say and do. I can never truly know their intentions as much as I’d like to. One positive thing about being vulnerable is that it does endear people to you. For some reason I tend to bring out maternal instincts even though I’m in my early 30’s.

SOCIAL ISOLATION

Being an aspie, one of our major challenges if a feeling of social isolation. Many people mistake this as something that we fall victim to, but lately I’ve been thinking maybe it’s a form of self sabotage. I’m fortunate in the way that I have enough social skills that people try to befriend me all the time. Something happens though that doesn’t really allow me to form a bond with them. It’s as if it takes an energy that I don’t have. In fact, I can safely say I know a lot of people but there’s only handful of people I enjoy talking to on a regular basis. They are my rocks so to speak. However, more than half of those are long distance. I would say in my actual physical proximity, I have 2 friends that I actively try to see on a regular basis.

Words I dread hearing are “do you want to go to…” If it’s not a house function, I automatically get put on edge. I wonder if I’ll look right, if there will be anyone there I’ll know, will my senses become overloaded. Rather than deal with all of that, I just stay home. It’s easier. However, I’m learning, it’s not so easy. I do actually get lonely and wish that I would go out more to events. To experience the unknown. But it can be terrifying at times. I’ll never know what to expect at a club or bar, so I tend not to go. I’m subconsciously isolating myself from everything.

This is the aspie conundrum. We want friends, but we do not know how to maintain the relationships and aren’t interested in seeking them out. Also, it takes a special person, I believe, to be friends with an aspie. I know that people I’m close to do get frustrated when I don’t understand certain things or do certain things wrong. One of my close friends recently just said that he knows there’s certain things he can ask me to do and certain things he can’t. Sadly, this is true. Knowing that sometimes people assume you know things or are capable of things that you aren’t can become a hinderance.

But I’m thankful for the few close friends I do have in my life.

ANXIETY

As an aspie, I will admit that I’m highly prone to feelings of anxiety. It’s very easy for me to assume the worst in things. I wake up, I don’t know what to wear. I get anxious about it. Someone has requested to speak to me. I don’t know what they want, I get anxious. In other words, everything in life tends to make me a bit anxious. My roommate always jokes that I ask questions about everything. It’s true. But it’s because I’m never really sure of what to do.

Another thing that makes me anxious is the unknown. I’m the worst car passenger when I don’t know where I’m going. I have to know how far the next turn or exit is and exactly how long its gonna take us to get to where we’re going. Whenever anyone cals me I’m always nervous about what they are going to say. I just find myself worrying and stressing myself out for no reason. When I ask my friends questions, often times it’s not just a case of me being nosy. I just like to know what’s coming next. I can see how this would be relatively annoying for my friends, but its ust one of those aspie traits that I’m stuck with.

I’ve always had trouble keeping my room clean. Ever since I was a child, it just wasn’t something that was a priority for me. When I was younger, my only real chore was to vacuum up after people had eaten. My parents tried to give me regular chores, but I never really did them thoroughly enough for them. They tried several things with me. First it was yard work. I wasn’t equipped to deal with raking. Also wasn’t very good at sweeping the patio. One time I attemped to use the driving lawn mower, but I got scared and jumped off and watched it ram into a fence. Thus, I was stuck with vacuuming. Oh, there was the one time I put the wrong washing powder in the dishwasher and watched the kitchen and the living room go up in suds. So yes, I’m horrible at chores and cleaning.

Someone commented on another Aspie blog that he was awful at cleaning because he would look to clean, but get overwhelmed and confused as to where to start. This sums it up with me pretty perfectly. I’ll look around and say, “I really need to clean this up.” But then I’ll ask myself where to even start, and then I’ll be confused and then not do anything. It really does become overwhelming to think of where to even start. I can surface clean ok, but when it comes to the nitty gritty, I tend to avoid it.

My car is another example. It’s absolutely filthy and I want to clean it. I really do. I just always find a way of making excuses for it. I always say “Well no one gets in my car anyway.” But that wasn’t the case. People are in my car all the time, I just minimized it. It was just an excuse for me to not clean it.

Deep down, I know I should be better at cleaning stuff up. It’s just that I’m not motivated to do it. In my mind, that’s just me. But I’m learning that I should think beyond that and realize that this image is perpetuated to people. I need to be aware of how people see these surface things and interpret them rather than how I simply see it as no big deal.

One of the common traits amongst aspies is the problem with sensory overload. I know this is one of those things that affects my social life in different ways. For me, the biggest issue is sound. It’s not just regular sounds i.e. people speaking or cars. Electronics and appliances drive me crazy. It has gotten to the point that one time I was watching tv and I couldn’t hear what was on the tv because I heard the hum of the tv. I can be sitting in a quiet setting and hear the tick of the clock and after a while, it begins to drive me crazy. My roommate has a fridge in his room and whenever I’m in there talking to him the noise it makes is like a nail on chalkboard. The garage door is incredibly loud. So loud that it notifies me of when someone is pulling in. It doesn’t drive me crazy, but it definitely startles me and is very loud, however, I was recently informed I’m the only one that ever hears it. That tripped me out because it’s so glaringly loud to me that I didn’t realize no one else heard it.

My sensitivity to sound also reaches into my social life. When I’m in large groups, I start to hear everything in the environment. This makes it hard to focus on people actually speaking to me. I begin to hear the electronics, utensils clinking, the music. It all just becomes unbearable. In the past I would just leave as soon as the environment begins to hurt me. Im learning that it’s not always appropriate to leave. I don’t want people to think I simply don’t like the environment, but to understand that it is actually overwhelming for me at times. So now I try to find a quiet space or simply go to the parking lot or something to decompress. This usually helps and allows me to not feel as uncomfortable as I normally would. One time, I was with a friend and his family and we went to see a movie. The plan, to my knowledge, was to go to the movies and then go home. This was the plan I was prepared for, but that plan changed to going to a movie and then going out to eat. It was such an abrupt change in plans that it immediately made me anxious. However, it was a night with people I like and care about so I didn’t put up a fight. In the restaurant, I immediately felt cold. There were a hundred fans in the place so not only was I cold, but I could hear all of the fans swirling. This made me physically uncomfortable. Then, as the people I was with carried on conversation, I couldn’t hear what they were saying. All I heard was noise plus the loud music playing in the restaurant. I just couldn’t concentrate on anything. To top it off, I began to hear the clattering of utensils all over the place. At this point, I just had to leave. The environment was just too overwhelming for me. It’s hard for me to explain to my friends why I suddenly get the urge to leave. I just suddenly become completely overwhelmed and it turns into fight or flight.

Food can also overwhelm the senses. I don’t even have to taste the food to be overwhelmed by it. Brightly colored foods like Cauliflower and Carrots are hard for me to even look at let alone eat. Foods with a thick texture are hard for me to eat as well. Thanksgiving is always a nightmare for me. I’ve found that most traditional thanksgiving foods I simply prefer not to eat. However, I’m socially aware enough to know that I have to pretend to like most of it when really I’m just there for ham and macaroni. I love ice cream, but things like cakes and cupcakes are hard for me to eat unless I have something like ice cream to soothe them down.

(Article not written by me)

Mike Jennings has said customers who are prejudiced against the staff of Grenache are not welcome

Grenache in Walkden Photo: Facebook

The owner of an upmarket restaurant in Manchester has said customers who discriminate against their staff are not welcome.

Mike Jennings, who runs Grenache in Walkden, posted a strongly worded statement on Facebook after customers refused to be served by one of the members of staff who suffers from autism.

Andy Foster, 45, joined the restaurant three weeks ago and also looks after his mother, who suffers from Alzheimer’s.

“The customers seemed to have a problem with him, even though his service was good,” Mr Jennings told the Manchester Evening News.

“I explained that he has autism and their response was that they didn’t want to be served by him.

“They asked me why I would give him a job in a restaurant like ours. I couldn’t believe it.”

Mr Jennings and his partner Karen backed Mr Foster at the time, saying it had hit his confidence.

“All we care about is someone having enthusiasm and passion. The rest we can teach,” he told the newspaper.

Mr Foster said this was not the first time he had experienced discrimination because of his condition.

“I always feel that it’s automatically my fault and I go into defence mode. I always think I have to apologize,” said the employee, who was diagnosed with autism seven years ago.

“When I apologized to the customer she made such a fuss.

“The other table I was serving left a big tip so I knew it wasn’t me.

“I try not to take it personally because it has happened so many times in the past I have just got used to it.”

The restaurant has seen a surge of support on social media. The Facebook post was shared more than 400 times and drew hundreds of comments.

Jennifer Blackburn commented: “Your post was a much needed refreshing change. Too often we let the bullies win and too often employers choose making money over staff welfare. I’m sure the employee in question is damn proud and thankful of you today. If only your business model was the norm. Well done.”

On Twitter, Kate Kinder said: “This is how all employers should treat employees and see them as humans!”

SOURCE: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/soc…-hits-back-after-autistic-waiter-snubbed.html